On Tequila and Sexual Performance

Mayahuel desnuda
Popular beliefs about tequila abound, and often contradict each other.
“It gives you the worst hangover,” say some.
“No, you can’t get hung over from 100% agave tequila,” is the hubristic retort of many aficionados.
The debate over tequila’s effect on sexual performance is equally divided. We doubt that the following yarn will settle the issue, but hope you’ll agree that it’s entertaining. This tale appeared in the syndicated column De política y cosas peores by Catón on December 10, 2010. It was translated by Clayton Szczech. All rights are reserved by the author and translator, respectively.

Mayahuel desnuda
Detail of mural at Tequila Rubio

Candorio, an innocent youngster, married Pirulina, who would have been a virtuous woman, were she not hindered by her thoughts, words and acts…Before kicking off his wedding night, Candorio went down to the hotel bar and ordered a double gin. He told the bartender that he hoped the liquor would take away the nervousness of the occasion, and beyond that would give him vigor and strength to rise to the occasion, as he suspected that his new little lady tended to the exotic in matters of love.

“Let me give you some advice,” offered the bartender, “I am a man of experience in matters of Venus and Bacchus. I mean that I know about love and drinks. So I can assure you that gin is not a good stimulant for mattress battles, on the contrary, it inhibits libidinous impulses, and puts out the incandescent flames of carnal passion. Consider the sailors of the British Navy in the seventeenth to nineteenth centuries: according to Dana, their captains gave them gin to extinguish their manly lust during those long wanderings to find breadfruit or a new passage to the Indian Ocean. That was how they kept Her Majesty’s Navy free from the germ of disorder and quarrels caused by unbridled passions, poorly suppressed jealousies or unrequited love. Don’t drink gin, sir. Instead, drink a couple of glasses of tequila. The juice of the plant called Agave Tequilana Weber is proven to fortify erotic impulses. An inspired poet from Saltillo said it in resounding alexandrine verses:

‘Tequila, gentlemen, more than liquor, is magic. / It banishes sorrow; it soothes afflictions / It makes the lover adroit. It tunes the singer’s voice. / If your body is weak it lifts your spirits. / It gives you strength and spirit in battle / It warms you in winter; and in summer exalts you, / and at all times offers comfort and hope. / In short, tequila is a heavenly gift. / The Holy Mother Church should declare it / a second holy water, if not sacred, / and use it as anointing oil at baptisms, / and at the last rites, so that the soul leaves / happy and without sorrow this vale of tears ….’

“So much for the inspired poet of Saltillo. Trust me, young man, drink two shots of tequila, not gin, which if at other times can be a fine drink, on this very special night could take from you all the thrust, potency, nerve, substance, inspiration, grit, vitality and vigor that a groom needs on his wedding night to hoist to full mast his triumphant flag of manhood and acquit himself with grace in the sweet contest of love.”

The only thing Candorio got for certain out of the barman’s lyrical outburst was that tequila increases desire and gin on the other hand shuts it off. So he downed two glasses of the best tequila, and headed for the honeymoon suite. A few hours went by. The bartender was already preparing to close up when the groom appeared again. He came in dragging his feet, exhausted, weak, completely spent. With a feeble voice he asked of the bartender: “A bottle of tequila for me, and for my bride, four bottles of gin!”  THE END.

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